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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Vortex

It is cold outside.  In other shocking events, water is wet and White Castles will make you fart. 

I mean, it's January (I almost typed December).  We live in Chicago(ish) and it is supposed to be cold.  That's what happens here.  Except for the fact that it's way colder than it's supposed to be.  I'm not sure who gets to decide how cold it's supposed to be, but I assure you it is not me.  If it were me, it wouldn't get colder than 47.524 degrees Fahrenheit. However, it's approximately -132 degrees which is many fewer degrees than I would like. 

Supposedly, this is being caused by a polar vortex.  The cold air from the north and south poles have decided that living at the top or bottom of the planet is dumb so they've gone on vacation.   I'm pretty sure we need to revoke their visa or deport the air masses but apparently Homeland Security is unconcerned. 

When I hear vortex, I think of something magical, something to take you to a different place.
It's like a magical water slide
So, I propose we exchange this stupid polar vortex for a vortex made for good.  I propose the new vortex do the following:

  • Create calorie free buffalo wings and blue cheese that will not do anything weird to your insides if you eat them. 
  • Allow you to exercise while you're sleep so you're not conscious of the annoyance that actually exercising does (this may only apply to me)
  • Magically transport me to work without needing to drive. 
  • Write the words I'm supposed to be writing for profit but this is more fun
  • Grease my scalp 
  • Give me a pedicure
Maybe a petition would help? I'm over -251.

Tangent: I saw a post the other day that said if you complained about it being cold, you were ungrateful.  Ever so often I'll see something like this.  Here's the thing.  It's completely normal to complain.  It's actually healthy.  Being unhappy about super negative temperatures does not make you ungrateful.  It makes you human.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Near Death Experiences

On Saturday morning, I took Ladybug to gymnastics class like any other Saturday. We hadn't been to gymnastics for a few weeks due to the holidays and at least one week of me deciding "meh".  Nevertheless, we were back and Ladybug was ready.   She loves climbing and flipping.  And she's actually getting coordinated enough to keep her arms locked to do handstands.  She's a tiny little gymnastics beast.  

We went through the first couple of activity courses without an issue.  Stretching no problem.  Obstacle course, my baby is a BEAST! Next up trampoline, with a jump into the foam pit.

Ladybug loves the trampoline.  In fact she'll try to bypass other apparatus in order to get to get to it faster (NOOOO!!! I NEED TO JUMP!!!)   The goal was to bounce over two ropes and then jump into the foam pit.  Easy peasey. 

Not actual pit - but doesn't it look fun?
While the teacher was setting up the ropes, Ladybug jumped in the foam pit.  Because she's a thug apparently.  Also - foam is fun. 

I honestly have no memory of what happened between this and the incident.  No clue.  I don't know if I blocked it out of memory, or if it's oxygen deprivation, or if I was that traumatized.  I'm not sure. 

All I know is I was in the pit.  And I couldn't get out.  Could not.  Un able.  Stuck.  Trapped.  Drowning in foam.  I needed a life guard.  And a life coach.  And Dolvett.  Dolvett would've made it all better. Allllllllll.... betterrrrrrrr. 

He would've made all the difference
The foam sticks to fabric.  So my first thought was, if I take off my socks, I'll be able to get leverage and get out. 

WRONG. The foam shifts as you step on it.  No footing, no foundation no leverage

Next thought, if I can get to the edge I can pull myself out.  I obviously had started hallucinating at this point.  I have no upper body strength.  I can haul around Ladybug and her stuff but.. That's it. And on top of that, the edges of the pit weren't permanent structures, you pull on them, they move. 

Stuck.  Ladybug is no longer in the pit.  Again, I have no recollection of pulling her out (or putting me in).  I say out loud, I'm stuck.  Ladybug, because she's a good daughter, tells her teacher "My mommy's stuck."  The teacher doesn't believe this.  I mean, who gets stuck in a foam pit? She comes over and asks if I'm stuck. 

Um.  Er.  Uh.  Yep. 

She puts her hand down and tells me to step on it.  The teacher is about 84.5 lbs.  I am way more than that.  Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  Not going to work.  She tells me she's going to get a mat, I can pull myself up on that, then out.   Um no.  I can't pull me out of air with my arms.  

After the longest 10 seconds of my life, I was able to step on the mat, then out.  I was free from the foam pit monster that had consumed me.  And I was hot and sweaty.  But none of the other parents laughed at me.  And that was nice.  Cause it was funny and I was surely laughing at myself.

Ladybug in the pit - and my life saving mat
I'm giving that foam pit a wide berth from now on.  It's gotten a taste, I think it's out for blood.



Thursday, January 2, 2014

Resolutions for the Introvert

Today Buzzfeed had a list of resolutions for Homebodies aka Introverts aka Me.  I only like 6 or 7 people.  That last one is a bit iffy and it kind of depends on the day.  The list is kind of tongue-in-cheek because no one keeps resolutions.

We've already established I don't do Resolutions.  But just for fun I'll take on a few of these.

I will stop making up excuses to cancel plans
     Pfffttttt.  Nope.  I am old, if I don't want to do something I'm going to tell you.  "Bek, do you want to go to the club?" Hell no.  Hellllll noooooooooo.  "But it's my birthday".  That's great and all.  I'm glad you were born.  But no.  I'm not punishing myself.  I'll take you to lunch.  Maybe you can supersize it.

I will stay at a party for longer than 20 minutes
     I'm not going.  So... yeah......

I will go to a club at least once this year
     Maybe they meant C.L.U.B. Clever Library Upper Books.  Maybe that is what they meant. 

I will stop binge-watching Netflix every other weekend
     I'm probably the only person that doesn't do this.  I can't sit still that long.  Also, Ladybug is not for that. There are games to be played!  Also - cartoons. 

I will stop judging people for their outgoing personality
     No I won't.  Overly outgoing people kind of weird me out.

I will not spend an entire Saturday in bed.
    How about I will spend an entire Saturday in bed.  How about that?  Can someone arrange this?  Is there someone I can call? 

I will go out on a Friday night.
     Like outside the car to pick up a pizza? Friday?  I need to go to bed on Friday.  Duh.

I will stop ignoring phone calls and text messages in an attempt to seem busy or unavailable.
     I get sad when the phone rings.  Never call me.  I'll respond to text messages, unless they say something stupid like "call me".  Only my momma can say that.  I don't ignore to seem busy, everyone knows where I am.  I'm busy with the hustle maybe, but that's it.



I will wear pants at least once a day. 
     Well... I ALWAYS wear pants to work.  That's enough 


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I'm a 30-something wife, mom and pet parent. I've been blogging since 2004, at first solely on a blog for my friends and family. I love to write about everything. I can't say that A Bacon Flavored Life is about any one thing. If it occurs to me, it'll get posted. I write about life, love, infertility and a lot of "random".


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