Wednesday, September 24, 2014

In The Spaces

7:45 PM

In the spaces seems like the best way to explain it.  I've been pretty introspective lately - I guess that's my age 35 thing to do.  I guess I should back up.


I am officially 35.  What does this mean?  Well, I no longer can check the box for 25 - 34.  Nielsen doesn't really care about my ratings and I feel comfortable saying "I remember when"... other than that I'm still me.  Or a still changing me.

For my birthday I got flowers and dinner and a balloon from Ladybug (that met an unfortunate demise at the hands of her cousin - but never tell Ladybug.  NEVER EVER).  The next day I hung out with a friend and got a pedicure.  Birthday over.  LOL.  Oh, and my mom took me to lunch and I bought new bras.  I also danced in multiple stores because that's my new thing to do now.  Dancing in stores and thinking about my feelings - a weird combo.

The Biggest Loser 

The Biggest Loser is one of my favorite shows.  Even though they don't seem to understand percentages (200 lb girl loses 6 lbs she sucks, 300 lb dude loses 9 lbs he's awesome.  That's dumb)  Before an added bonus was the sweet hunk of Chocolate that is Dolvett.  Mmmmhhhhmmmmmmm  He seemed like a good trainer too and all but hubba hubba.

This season, two new trainers some dude (couldn't be bothered to Google) and Jen. Jen apparently is a unicorn trapped in a human's body and I'm pretty sure she has magical powers and poops rainbows. And I think her hugs melt fat and burn calories.  In conclusion, I should be sitting in her bushes right now - which isn't as difficult as I thought as she doesn't live that far from here. Or at least she grew up here.  She started talking about how people can be motivated by fear or by love - and my eyes glossed over a bit and I probably rolled my eyes because FEELINGS WHO NEEDS THEM?!?!  But the more she talked, the more she got to me.  Halfway through the show she had me believing in myself and wanting to do better.  WITH HER FEELINGS TALK!!!!!! GASP.


Fear vs. love stuck with me.  Stuck.  It's everywhere I go.  I started to think about my decision making process and what motivates me.  Although I've (mostly) abandoned my need to be perfect and have made peace (or at least called a truce) with my aversion to asking for help, I'm pretty much failing in the love vs. fear department.

Lately I've felt so pressed for time.  Like the clock was working against me.  And when I feel like I'm going to be late or am pushing up on a deadline the pressure is palpable.  Like my world is constricting.  It's fear.  Fear of failure, fear of not making it, fear of not being good enough.  Fear.

Weight Loss 

I have all the tools and knowledge needed to lose weight.  Yet, I'm not.  Because I'm not trying.  And I don't have a good reason other than "because I'm not".  Maybe I'm not ready to give up my food security blanket.  But I've got to figure it out.

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