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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Vortex

9:16 PM

It is cold outside.  In other shocking events, water is wet and White Castles will make you fart. 

I mean, it's January (I almost typed December).  We live in Chicago(ish) and it is supposed to be cold.  That's what happens here.  Except for the fact that it's way colder than it's supposed to be.  I'm not sure who gets to decide how cold it's supposed to be, but I assure you it is not me.  If it were me, it wouldn't get colder than 47.524 degrees Fahrenheit. However, it's approximately -132 degrees which is many fewer degrees than I would like. 

Supposedly, this is being caused by a polar vortex.  The cold air from the north and south poles have decided that living at the top or bottom of the planet is dumb so they've gone on vacation.   I'm pretty sure we need to revoke their visa or deport the air masses but apparently Homeland Security is unconcerned. 

When I hear vortex, I think of something magical, something to take you to a different place.
It's like a magical water slide
So, I propose we exchange this stupid polar vortex for a vortex made for good.  I propose the new vortex do the following:

  • Create calorie free buffalo wings and blue cheese that will not do anything weird to your insides if you eat them. 
  • Allow you to exercise while you're sleep so you're not conscious of the annoyance that actually exercising does (this may only apply to me)
  • Magically transport me to work without needing to drive. 
  • Write the words I'm supposed to be writing for profit but this is more fun
  • Grease my scalp 
  • Give me a pedicure
Maybe a petition would help? I'm over -251.

Tangent: I saw a post the other day that said if you complained about it being cold, you were ungrateful.  Ever so often I'll see something like this.  Here's the thing.  It's completely normal to complain.  It's actually healthy.  Being unhappy about super negative temperatures does not make you ungrateful.  It makes you human.

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1 comments:

  1. Oh man...you really make me want some buffalo wings!! It's hella cold here in NY too but not nearly as cold as where you are. Stay warm friend!!

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