Friday, March 1, 2013

Trailer Review: The Conjuring

10:01 PM

Once upon a time, I loved scary movies.  Loved.  I'd watch Nightmare on Elm Street and cheer Freddy on.  I'd tell Jason where to look for his prey in the woods.  My mother would walk into the room, see what was on the tv, and would turn around.  She would tell me that real life was scary enough.  I thought that was hilarious.

Everything changed with the movie Scream.

This is actively creeping me out

It was too real.   It was scared not in that fun way, but in the OH BOY SOMEONE HELP ME, I SHOULD BE WEARING A SUIT OF ARMOR AND A HELMET kind of way.

Now, I am completely scary movie adverse. I'll mute the tv if a trailer for a scary movie comes on, or change the channel (It is amazing how the remote always seems to fail in this situation). Or I'll sing real loud and avert my eyes.

You see , in addition to not liking the feeling of being scared, I'd be the worst scary movie character ever.   You know that part in the movie where the guy comes home and says "we have to leave now" and the wife/girlfriend starts asking 1,000 questions, "Why?", "What's going on?", "You have to explain this...".  Not me.  I just need to grab a couple of diapers and some wipes, you can tell me later what kind of foolishness you've gotten into.  In fact, let me go pack a bag of "we on the run" supplies now just in case.

So there is a list a reasons why I will NOT be seeing The Conjuring based on the trailer/would have been a bad character.

1.)  0:04 - a family walks into a home, obviously one they just bought.  All movies that start like this end with the house eating people.  I don't want to be eaten.  Paying mortgages are way overrated anyway.
2.) 0:14 - Why does this house look so old and decrepit?   They couldn't paint or wallpaper or anything?  They just move in with the house looking like it should be in the cemetery?  These people are all going to die
3.) 0:23 - This trailer is over 2 minutes?!?! There's no way I'm watching all of this.  Blog Shmog
4.) 0:34 (on mute) Dear lady in the trailer, things in your home are doing their own thing but you don't know because your goofy self is wearing a blindfold in a cemetery house.  Did that seem smart to you lady?  Do you wear blindfolds in the cemetery?  Stupid.  Hurry up and die already.
5.) 0:46 (Covering my eyes) no comment here, it's probably really scary
6.) 1:17 (still on mute)  If the stuff in your house starts falling off the walls all willy nilly, you should probably leave.  Do not pass go, do not collect $200, get out.  Fast, while running in a zigzag formation
7.) 1:29 (I'm never turning the sound back on) What is she looking for?  GEEETTTTT OUUUUTTTT
8.)1:37 - How many doors does this place have?  A giant dog should eat this lady.  Wait, what happened to the other lady?  (fast forward)
9.) 2:05 - She's seriously still in there.  Seriously?!?!  Where is the killer?  All this suspense is too much!!!   (fast forward some more while looking away)
10) 2:15 - She's been holding that match for like 45 minutes.  Her hand would've burned off by now.   That would probably be better than all of this waiting.  Goodness gracious.  I quit.   (This is code for I'm too chicken to continue, or to turn on the volume)

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