Monday, March 11, 2013

My Infertility Story - Part IV

9:53 PM

(Link to Part 1)
(Link to Part 2)
(Link to Part 3) 

When I started fertility treatments, I was so optimistic.  I was so sure that all of our prayers would be answered with the first cycle.  Then the second cycle.    By the time the third cycle started my optimism had waned, but giving up wasn't an option.  It didn't matter how many tests I had to undergo, it didn't matter how many injections I had to give myself, I was ready to walk though fire.  I didn't complain about the process?  How could I?  Just having the opportunity to have the treatments was a blessing.

My nurse started prepping me for a change.  Although I had coverage for "unlimited" IUIs, they didn't work the way I thought.  Basically, I had three rounds at each step.  If the treatment didn't work on a certain level, I'd have to move to the next level in order to be covered.   In my mind, I figured that meant I would continue to do IUIs with injectable medications (which were stronger) instead of Clomid.

The cycle started and things seemed to be progressing nicely.  I wasn't having any weird side effects, and my body was responding to the medication as usual.  Two days before I was scheduled to be inseminated, my god-sister called to tell me she was pregnant.  She'd told other family members already, but was waiting to tell me hoping that I'd get my positive.   I'm sure she was worried that I'd be upset or I'd resent her, but neither of those were the case.  I was genuinely happy for her.  I'd had years of falling into the "why her and not me" trap, and I was done with it.   It's not as though there was a limited number of babies and she'd taken mine.

I told Jethro and his reaction was different than I expected.  He asked "didn't that make you mad"? I answered no, because honestly it didn't.  And he stopped talking to me.    I couldn't for the life of me understand why, her situation didn't do anything to change ours.  A couple of days later it was time for our insemination, and I had to ask him for swimmers.  He slammed the door to the bathroom, and handled things.   He didn't explain why he was so upset, other than to say it was "stressing him out" and that he didn't know how much longer he could do this.  I didn't even come close to understanding his feelings.  The only thing I could see was that I was doing the hard part and he had the nerve to be "stressed".  Over what?   I didn't give any thought to his fears that I would walk away from us if we didn't get pregnant, or the added pressure he felt because someone so close to us was having a baby.  Nothing even close to that occurred to me.   I was so scared that he was going to say he was done.

I was inseminated on a Thursday.  The following day, one of my best friends came into town and was staying with me.  She, another friend and I were to meet up at PF Changs after I got off work.  I was happy to be seeing them, but was terrified that I was going to be childless.    I cried all the way to the restaurant.  I prayed harder than I'd ever prayed for anything.  For years I'd been praying to be pregnant, I'd write out my prayer request every week. Then I dried my face and tried to act as if nothing was wrong.   I faked it through dinner, I faked it through a Walmart excursion, I faked it on the drive back home.  And then I cried some more.

A few days later, I met with a different doctor in the practice.  This guy was the first doctor's opposite.  He was approximately 800 years old and cranky.  There were no smiles, no positive thoughts, nothing.  My meeting with him was to chart out the plan of action in case this cycle was a failure.   He hadn't read my chart before hand, and his first statement was "oh you're not ovulating".  Um. Yes the hell I am.  He immediately suggested I go straight to IVF, even though there were still less invasive options on the table.  He made the comment "most of the insurance patients go straight to IVF."  Oh.  So that's what it was about with him.  The money.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I was going to do injectables first.  He pushed again, I pushed back.  He gave up saying something along the lines of "you really know what you want". Yes.  I want a baby, and I'm not going to use up my final option in the beginning.  That's just dumb.   Even though I'd won the battle, I left feeling defeated.  Jethro was wavering, the doctor thought my ovaries were more broken than they really were and I still didn't have the one thing I really wanted.

A week later, I had the blood draw for the pregnancy test.  I'd resigned myself to hearing "no" yet again.  I went out for lunch and was sitting in my car reading when the call came in:

Nurse: Did you take any tests today?
Me: No, you told me not to
Nurse: So you don't know the results
Me: No......... No F'in way
Nurse: F'in way

I called Jethro, who I'd just gotten off the phone with.

Me: Baby
Jethro: Yeah
Me: We're having a baby
Jethro:  Really?  I knew it!!!

He ain't know nothing.  LOL.   In order to protect the innocent and not get fussed at, I shan't list the names and order of the rest of the notifications.  I will say my boss found out way earlier than I intended because she knew I'd been inseminated and knew to ask.

I will say my favorite notification was to my brother.  He'd stopped by for a little while and casually asked how things were going.  And I told him.  And tears crept into his eyes.  (sorry bro)  And it was at that point that I realized just how wrong I was about going through things by myself.  My friends and family were right there with me, praying for me, staying supportive, I was just too busy being "strong" to notice.

I thanked God every day, and still do.  I know that my daughter is the result of prayer.  I was blessed to have insurance coverage, blessed to have an understanding boss, blessed to be having a child.

And she's blessed every day of my life since.

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  1. I don't like to cry my tears! I can totally visualize that PF Changs/WalMart excursion. Don't doooooo that!!!!!! I got your back all the time!

    And yes, I prayed everyday, day and night with extra prayers that you get knocked. She's an amazing testament to the power of prayer!

  2. No one would've wanted lettuce wraps covered in snot. No one.

    I'm getting better at not being "strong" all the time.

    And I'm so thankful for all of your prayers, and your friendship and your super awesomeness.

  3. You are so deserving of EVERYTHING awesome this world has to offer! EVERYTHING!!! I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiismuch. I'd give up sewing and crocheting and everything for you! ;-p

    I cannot wait to watch her grow up.

    1. I love you more! Thank you for everything, all the prayers, all the words of encouragement everything!

  4. So I totally was clapping my hands and squealing when I read this!! YAY!!! You give me such hope :-)

    1. That's exactly why I wrote this. My biggest hope was to encourage someone else, so they wouldn't feel ashamed of their struggle.

      There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The hormones are worth it. The injections and stress are totally worth it.


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