Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I'm not angry, I'm not angry at all

9:52 PM

A week ago, one of my favorite bloggers posted about her anger issues.  And I was inspired to talk about my own. 

I am not in touch with my feelings.  In fact, my feelings and I aren't even in the same zip code.  If my feelings and I were on a map, I'd be hanging out in San Francisco, while my feelings vacationed in Maine.  And I like it that way.  I'm a logical thinker.  In most instances, my thought process looks like this

As thoughts should.  Feelings make things complicated.  I don't like complicated.  I hate clouded judgment.  I hate not being able to make rational decisions because everything is a big jumble.  My brain shouldn't look like this.

If I'm honest about it, I see most feelings as a sign of weakness.  I KNOW this is wrong, that feelings are a part of life, that we are both logical and emotional creatures.  Doesn't change things.    I'm known as the cool, calm and collected one, and I believe this is part of the issue.  My perfectionist tendencies don't allow me to be angry.  Perfect people aren't angry.   So I don't have angry outbursts, or snap judgments.  Instead, I simmer.  Something will make me mad and I'll sit on it.  I may even have arguments in my head with the other person.  But I don't say anything, instead I act as though nothing is wrong.  I KNOW this isn't healthy.  I KNOW that I'm not doing myself or the other party any favors by keeping my mouth shut.   What I don't know is how to express that anger without feeling like I'm out of control, or looking like a crazy person. 
How do you do it?  How do you give a voice to your anger without being consumed by it? 

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